REDNECK JOKES
You might be a redneck if...
1.More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. 2.You
think the stock market has a fence around it. 3.You think the O.J.
trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. 4.You've ever lost
a loved one to kudzu. 5.Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
6.Your
front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. 7.You've ever used
lard in bed. 8.Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
9.You
keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 10.You've ever used a toilet seat
as a picture frame. 11.Your home has more miles on it than your car.
12.Your
Christmas tree is still up in February. 13.You've ever been arrested for
loitering. 14.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
15.There
is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. 16.You hammer bottle caps
into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. 17.You've ever shot anyone
for looking at you. 18.You own a homemade fur coat.
19.Your
wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 20.Your momma has "ammo"
on her Christmas list. 21.You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
22.There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your
car. 23.Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
24.There
is a wasp nest in your living room. 25.The Home Shopping Channel operator
recognizes your voice. 26.You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol
for his birthday. 27.There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
28.You
burn your front yard rather than mow it. 29.You consider a six-pack and a
bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. 30.Fewer than half of your cars
run. 31.You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
32.The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
33.Your
car has never had a full tank of gas. 34.Any of your kids were conceived
in a car wash. 35.Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
36.You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
37.You've
ever bathed with flea and tick soap. 38.Your good deed for the month
was hiding your brother for a few days. 39.Your wheelbarrow breaks and it
takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. 40.Your momma doesn't remove
the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
41.You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin
Sue-Ellen to walk by.
42.Your
favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states. 43.You've ever been involved
in a custody fight over a huntin' dog. 44.You're an expert on worm beds.
45.The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
46.Your
wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!" 47.Your family tree does
not fork. 48.The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room
walls. 49.You haul more than U-Haul.
50.Your
momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!" 51.There
is a gun rack on your bicycle. 52.Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
53.Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
54.Your
wife's hairdo attracts bees. 55.Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart
shoppers." 56.The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
57.Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
58.You
pick your teeth from a catalog. 59.You've ever financed a tattoo.
60.You
refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in." 61.Your
hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. 62.Your mother has been
involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event. 63.You've ever barbecued
Spam on the grill. 64.You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
65.The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
66.You've
ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 67.The neighbors started a petition
over your Christmas lights. 68.Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
69.You
entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved
one. 70.You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
71.your
grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language. 72.You
can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt. 73.You have refused to
watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for
best picture. 74.None of your shirts cover your stomach.
75.Your
only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. 76.The
rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. 77.You consider "Outdoor
Life" deep reading. 78.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
79.You
use the term `over yonder' more than once a month. 80.Birds are attracted
to your beard. 81.The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking
Institute". 82.Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
83.Your
wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. 84.You've ever worn a tube
top to a wedding. 85.Bikers back down from your momma.
86.You
were shooting pool when your kids were born. 87.Your favorite Christmas
present was a painting on black velvet. 88.You think that Dom Perignon is
a mafia leader. 89.Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
90.You
think a chain saw is a musical instrument. 91.You've ever stolen clothes from
a scarecrow. 92.The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What
the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
93.You
think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. 94.You've ever shot a deer
from inside your house. 95.The first words out of your mouth every time
you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"
(If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!) 96.You have more than two
brothers named Bubba or Junior. 97.You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public
restroom. 98.You clean your nails with a stick.
99.You
prefer car keys to Q-tips. 100.Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt
included. 101.People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
102.Your
father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. 103.You
think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. 104.You've ever worn shorts to
a funeral home. 105.You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all
time. 106.You've ever been too drunk to fish.
107.You've
ever bought a used cap. 108.You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
109.You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
110.Your
momma tore her best dress coon hunting. 111.You have a rag for a gas cap (on a
car that does run). 112.You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
113.You
have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. 114.Your richest relative buys
a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it. 115.In an effort to watch your
cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite. 116.Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of
KFC and a sixpack. 117.You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
118.You've
ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. 119.Your lifetime goal is to
own a fireworks stand. 120.Someone asks to see your ID and you show them
your belt buckle. 121.Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
122.The
directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". 123.Your dog and your wallet
are both on chains. 124.Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
125.Your
kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam
mudflaps. 126.You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
127.You
fainted when you met Slim Whitman. 128.You have lost at least one tooth opening
a beer bottle. 129.Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
130.You
won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. 131.Your dog can't watch you
eat without gagging. 132.You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
133.You
have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions. 134.Red Man sends you a Christmas
card. 135.The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
136.You
bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work. 137.Your dad walks you to school
because you are both in the same grade. 138.Your wife has a beer belly and you
find it attractive. 139.Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
140.You
have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind". 141.You
call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis. 142.You consider your license
plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. 143.You have been fired from
a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image
or what?) 144.You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos. 145.You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
146.The
biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair. 147.You
have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. 148.Someone in your family says
"Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it." 149.Your wife weighs more then
your refrigerator. 150.You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned
yellow. 151.You mow your lawn and find a car.
152.You
can spit without opening your mouth. 153.Going to the bathroom in the middle
of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a
flashlight. 154.You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and
you only need to buy one gift.
155.You
are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. 156.You
consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. 157.You can amuse yourself for
more than an hour with a fly swatter. 158.You have to go down to the creek to
take a bath. 159.You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
160.You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
161.You've
never paid for a haircut. 162.You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair
of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
163.There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a
gun rack hanging in your truck. 164.You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were
just "misunderstood". 165.You've ever made change in the offering plate.
166.The
fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year." 167.You consider a good tan to
be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
168.You own at least 20 baseball hats.
169.You
think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot. 170.You know of at least six
different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat. 171.You can change the oil in
your truck without ducking your head. 172.When you run out of gas, you put gin
in the gas tank. 173.Your screen door has no screen.
174.Your
biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over
yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..." 175.Three quarters of the clothes you
own have logos on them. 176.Your grandfather completely executes the "pull
my finger" trick at the family reunion. 177.When you leave your house, you are
followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and
Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not. 178.You
have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't. 179.You gene pool doesn't have
a "deep end." 180.Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
181.You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
182.Your
belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. 183.You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
184.You
have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial. 185.You own more cowboy boots
than sneakers. 186.You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
187.You
have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace. 188.You
just bought an 8-track player to put in your car. 189.There are four or more cars
up on blocks in the front yard. 190.It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn
than mow it. 191.You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the
three of the primary colors.
192.You've
ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor. 193.Your
vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray. 194.The tobacco chewers in your
family aren't just men. 195.Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has
a flat tire...on her house 196.The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
197.You
have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug
of tobacco. 198.You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against
it. 199.You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
200.Your
kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell. 201.You've been on TV more than 5 times
describing the sound of a tornado. 202.You fish in your above-ground pool.
. . and catch something. 203.When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds
you to pull up your jeans. 204.Your beer can collection is considered a tourist
attraction in your home town. 205.Getting a package from your post office requires
a full tank of gas in the truck. 206.Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to
see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
207.You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
208.You're
moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You". 209.You
grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item. 210.Your Momma would rather go
the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
211.The
most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your
insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it). 212.You have spent more on your
pickup truck than on your education. 213.You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
214.You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
215.Your
momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events. 216.Exxon and Conoco have offered
you royalties for your hair. 217.Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
218.Your
classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded. 219.During
your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together. 220.You're a lite beer drinker,
because you start drinking when it gets light. 221.On your first date you had
to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. 222.Your parakeet knows the phrase
"Open up, Police!" 223.You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
224.In
tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?" 225.Taking your wife on a cruise
means circling the Dairy Queen. 226.You think the last words to the Star Spangled
Banner are "Play Ball..." 227.You have a color coordinating rope that ties down
your car hood. 228.You bring your dog to work with you.
229.Your
grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold. 230.You've ever held somebody
up with a caulk gun. 231.You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
232.Your
favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather. 233.Your masseuse uses lard.
234.Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
235.You
use your fishing license as a form of I.D. 236.On stag night, you take a real deer.
237.You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
238.Your
back porch is bigger than your house. 239.There is more oil in your cap than
in your car. 240.You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
241.A
full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat. 242.An expired license plate
means another decoration for your living room wall. 243.You think Old Yeller is a
movie about your brother's tooth. 244.You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating
tips. 245.Your secret family recipe is illegal.
246.Your
handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve. 247.Your baby's favorite teething ring
is the garden hose in the front yard. 248.Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
249.Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
250.You
think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs. 251.Your best ashtray is a turtle
shell. 252.Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
253.You
think cur is a breed of dog. 254.People hear your car long before they see it.
255.Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
256.Your
satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids. 257.Your most expensive shoes
have numbers on the heels. 258.Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
259.Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
260.You've
ever hitchhiked naked, 261.You're turned on by a woman who can field dress
a deer. 262.You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
263.Your
bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine." 264.The gas pedal on your car
is shaped like a bare foot. 265.The highlight of your parties is when you flip
out your false teeth. 266.Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
267.Taking
a dip has nothing to do with water. 268.There are more than ten lawsuits currently
pending against your dog. 269.You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
270.The
hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car. 271.You've ever filled your deer
tag on the golf course. 272.You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking
space. 273.Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
274.Your
toilet paper has page numbers on it. 275.You think mud rasslin' should be an
Olympic sport. 276.The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
277.You
list your parole officer as a reference. 278.There are more fish on your wall than
pictures. 279.Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
280.There
are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets. 281.You think a turtleneck is
a key ingredient in soup. 282.You've ever stood in line to get your picture
taken with a freak of nature. 283.Your anniversary present was getting the septic
tank pumped. 284.Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
285.You
watch cartoons long after your kids get bored. 286.You think the French Riviera
is a foreign car. 287.You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign
in the front yard. 288.You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
